This post comes at a very odd time in my life... I LOVE my life. L O V E it!! But.. if I'm being honest..it's not exactly what I thought it would be. Not bad, just different than I expected. Is that bad? Is it wrong? Am I unrealistic? Is something wrong with me?????
No! I am me. I love me. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend and I hope an inspiration to someone or a role model. I don't really know. I can only hope I do something good in my life to help somebody else do good in their life. At least.
I am married to a guy I met when I was 20 years old. A child...I really was.. a child... and totally unhealthy. Mentally, physically and emotionally unhealthy. I came out of a 5 + year "relationship" with my high school sweetheart who I think really never actually gave one Bleep about me. I loved him with all of my heart.....and then some. That doesn't matter, what does, is how it made me feel about myself and how it made me perceive what a healthy relationship should be.
Fast forward 20 years. I am married to the man who came in and made me feel special.. or wanted, after being dumped on by the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
He was my best friend, really. I’m not sure I had any business getting into a relationship, but I loved him and felt a certain draw to him. I knew he was going to be the man I’d have children with and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.
So 24 years, 3 kids later and many life experiences lived through I have to wonder... why am I still working on my inner health?
Does that seem like an odd question to you? I think if you would have asked me that a year ago I would have stared at you like you were some kind of nut job. Mid life crisis my a**….. mid life finally figured it out more like it.
About 10 years ago I got an email form a friend who was writing to tell me that her and her husband of 15 years were divorcing. "WTH, If they can't make it...NOONE can!" I actually cried at my laptop, reading the email over and over hoping something would change. They were good friends and they had a perfect relationship in my eyes. I was so let down, and so sad for them. Eventually, I realized that my sadness came from something more. Something I did not want to face.... so I ignored it.
I continued on with my own life trying to "get through the days" and just be happy for what I do have...as they say. I am so grateful for my life now, I just needed a reminder here and there.
Again, just today, I heard about a friend of mine that was getting divorced. I literally sat staring with my mouth to the floor. They were that couple... the one that you think is the one couple that has it all. I stood there as I heard the news and I just couldn't make sense of what was coming in to me full force. Then... it hit me. Loud and clear. We are not healthy from within. That is why relationships that should work, fall apart.
I'm no different. I am not always healthy on the inside. I eat a ton of healthy food. I live by pretty healthy standards. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, have joy and friends in my life... My point is this. I lead the "healthy" lifestyle that most people think is impossible. I have a husband and amazing children. I am blessed, truly blessed. So what is the problem?
I don’t know the answer completely, but I do know this. I strive every day to heal myself from the inside out and as I do this, life has away of changing. I change. That’s not a bad thing it is just what needs to happen in order for us to keep growing and become who we are supposed to become. Sometimes that means letting go of jobs, friends and even loved ones. I don’t like it, but I see where it can be necessary to continue healing ourselves from past hurts, losses, abuse, bullying, etc. Everyone has something in their live, that a one point, helped to create their self worth. As I get older and let go of issues from my childhood, past relationships and even hurt feelings from my current relationship, I begin to see my true worth. It is up to me. In order to do that, we must live Satya. Satya is the sanskrit word for Truth. Live your truth in actions, thoughts and speech. This is really challenging to do. My truth might not be what is right for my friends or my husband, but I must honor that within myself in order to be my true self. I cannot depend on anyone else to create happiness for me. It is solely up to me to choose happiness each day. Lying to ourselves or ignoring the “truth” with only bring unhappiness, regret, bitterness and anger.
I believe that some of us try to please others or potential partners, regardless of what is best for ourselves. We say what we think they want to hear in order for them to like us. Maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing it at the time. This begins when we are kids trying to fit in. Some of us never grow out of it so to speak. It took me years to figure that out and I now see why so many people are sick, lonely, depressed, divorced, moving from relationship to relationship, over eating, over drinking etc. One person starts to live their truth and the other can’t understand why that person is changing. Or when you stop medicating yourself with alcohol, food or fill in the blank, you can begin to heal what needs to be healed.
Embrace change. Embrace truth, even if it scares you. I am becoming healthier from within each day. My relationships have changed, and I know they will continue to change. Maybe that’s what it takes to keep a relationship of 10, 20, 30 or 60 years alive. Take care of yourself from the inside out first. Feed your body nutrient dense, whole foods. Love yourself enough to honor your truth. Let go of the things or people in your life that create negativity, toxins and stress. Treat yourself to a “down day”, a massage or a date night with your partner or kids. Enjoy what is good and let go of what is not. Simple right? ;-)
Live Well, Live Satya.